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Slugs (Part one)

Updated: Sep 1, 2022

Horrific dates are a universal reality that bonds all of us together…here are some of mine (and some that my friends let me share). These are all very real and are in no particular order.

Bad Student

Back in my days of collegiate academic nerdom, I happened to be Research Assistant for one of my professors in the Criminal Justice department. It was a great gig for me and in all honesty, I really enjoyed tutoring the up-and-coming students for the Statistics and Research courses.

I did let myself get a little distracted during some of the time I was working. How could I not when a fine specimen of a man sat in the front row of most of my sessions? He was tall, dark, handsome, funny, and muscular. Just my type. He needed the tutoring more than most and rarely attempted to focus on the concepts he needed to learn. I remember his first attempt for his massive research paper was some of the sorriest writing I had ever seen. You would think that would have put me off pursuing him. Nope. Dumb ole junior undergrad me thought it would be great to start meeting up with him at parties. After all, he was hot.

Our time dating each other was short lived. He became surly when I wouldn’t help him cheat on his exams or write papers for him. I might have been naive back then but I wasn’t that stupid. I convinced myself that he was way more into me than he was but I couldn’t see that at the time. He ghosted me through texts and stopped showing up to tutoring. Looking back on it, I cringe at how much thought I put into my outfits going to the classroom and hoping he would be there in attendance. I don’t care for looking like a fool in front of an audience.

Government Guy

After a break up, everyone needs a little something to get their mojo back. Me? I decided to try something I had never done before – have a one night stand. It just had never been my style. My friend suggested I just give it a go – something to boost my self-esteem.

I found this guy on Bumble…who said he worked for the Secret Service. We had been chatting for a couple weeks, so after some liquid courage I invited him by for a hook up.

He was attractive and looked like his photos…a rarity with online dating. After some wine and breaking the ice, we decide to get down to it. However, he had some difficulties performing. He seemed really into everything but just couldn’t get it up. No matter what I tried, it didn’t work. So much for a confidence booster! That is when he said, “Don’t touch my dick, just my balls.” I sat back in disbelief. I never got a complaint when I had a dick in my mouth before. Just the balls? Was he serious? I shook my head and ended that interaction there and then.

Just add me to the list of women let down by the Secret Service…

Name Caller

When I took an Uber downtown to meet a close friend of mine for an early happy hour, the last thing I expected was to make the acquaintance of someone who would scream at me in the middle of a bar. If you are picturing Ben Stiller in that one episode of Friends, you are not far off.

At first, he was interested in offering me a job at his company. I was a lab manager in the past and was looking to get away from doing the forensic examinations. My friend left and it was me and this new contact. It all went downhill from there.

He was about 6 vodka sodas with Crystal-Light packets deep. I learned I was his type of woman, body shape wise at least. Then instead of a job offer there was offer of three straight days of sex instead. Not just any sex. Anal sex. I don’t think any woman could handle that type of pounding for three days straight, but I digress.

Turns out he lives around me. We went to the local hang out spot. I had a glass of wine and he started ordering rounds of shots (which I refused. Side note: Who actually enjoys taking shots? Gross. Do I look like I am a 19-year-old in the dorms? Pass). I met some other people at this new bar and he instantly got jealous. He started asking me if I was “fuckin retarded” and “why wasn’t I satisfied with just talking to him?” I started to try and tell him that I was leaving and he kept cutting me off, calling me stupid in a very loud voice. The rage overtook me and I started to yell back that he needed to stop talking to me like that. He just kept going. I walked out to the sound of him yelling “oh, fuck you”. I hope he had a nasty hangover the next day.

The “Feminist”

This guy was a rare occurrence at first. I matched with him not long after I set up my accounts again for online dating. He was funny, career driven, and interesting. He was tall. He was flirtatious. We exchanged numbers to get off the app chat. After an exchange back and forth of what we were each looking for, he asked if I was a unicorn or if there was a catch; how could I be available? All women like to hear that.

He started pushing for a drink that night. I said I couldn’t meet because I had previous plans. He kept asking for me to meet him for a little while or to facetime call him. I caved on the video call. It was a great conversation and there were a lot of laughs. We scheduled a lunch date for three days later. The date went well (in my opinion). It did strike me as odd, however, that he kept bringing up gender equality and how the woman is responsible for planning dates and making the man feel courted. Come to find out he really meant that! He told me he was busy working and days after the date he texted me “Where are you?” I said I was giving him space since he was slammed with work. I asked him how the photo shoot went. He never answered that question…only said “Where have you been?”.

Want to know where I am? I am over here, not caring about where you are.

Matching Disasters

You ever date someone that ghosted you? I don’t mean ghosted like they never called again…I mean like they physically disappeared when they turned to the side. I have. He loved cycling…but I think if you are that skinny where I (at the time a size 0) feel like giant? Maybe you should find another love…like pizza or even calzones if you are truly lame.

Ironically, he was a breath of fresh, wispy, waifish air compared to others. Why would a guy think I should respond to an introductory message on Match that read “How much do you weigh? I can’t tell if you are a porker” OR “How big are your boobs?” Sigh…where did they learn to talk to people? A pro is that I knew right off the bat that I didn’t want to meet them. Unlike this next candidate…

He seemed really nice! We had a great dinner at Clyde’s in Reston (shoutout!) I was young then…and a stereotypical girl by ordering a salad that I picked at instead of actually eating (Why do women do this?? One thing for sure, is that I do NOT follow this anymore.) Anyway, we went on a second date, this time we were going to make dinner together at his place. The lemon spaghetti and scallops turned out fabulous (I ate this time) and we started making out. It was fun…until he wanted to start dry humping. (Is that fun for anyone?) The third date (since I figured it was worth another shot) was much more traditional – dinner and a nice walk around the Reston Towne Center watching ice skaters. It did not end traditionally as his idea for date number four should be getting STD tests together. I believe my exact words “I view that more as a solitary activity”. And that was that. Never saw him again. I got some nice earrings from the Caribbean cruise he went on before it was over though (WIN).

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